Closed captions provided by softitler
( Audience applauding )
H-Hey, everybody !
It's bob and david !
Hey !
Hey, everybody, welcome to mr. Show.
And, uh, terra-Da loo to you, david !
Terra-Da-Loo, the bob !
Mr. Show is the true way !
Yes, it is. And to all mr. Show followers,
Terra-Da-Loo !
Oh, boy,
Look at this wonderful group of followers, the bob.
Everybody, let's give the bob a great big terra-Da-Loo.
( All ) terra-Da-Loo !
Terra-Da-Loo, terra-Da-Loo, terra-Da-Loo.
Oh, boy, tonight's the night.
We're finally gonna go up heaven's chimney.
( Audience laughing )
Does everyone have their bags packed ?
I do. What about you, the bob ?
Oh, dear david,
I have already left my earthly body,
And become a purely video image.
I'll just be bringing a toothbrush and an extension cord.
And enough socks for all of these lunatics !
Terra-Da-Loo ! Terra-Da-Lee !
Terra-Da-Loe !
Terra-Da-Lie !
( The bob ) oh, my god !
David's been kidnapped.
All right, everyone, just stay calm.
It's time to eat the poisoned s'mores.
Come on up here,
Get them while they're poisony, that's when they're best.
We're going to go up heaven's chimney soon,
And visit our grandfather in the sky.
Have you got your special shoes ?
And belts ? Are you wearing your belts ?
Your golf belts,
You know, with the little insignias on them ?
Let's try this again.
David, i want you to tell me about the bob.
The bob will lead us all through heaven's chimney
In a giant, cigar-Shaped, u.F.O.-Brand flying saucer.
Really ? So bob is a special person ?
The bob is not a person. The bob is pure light and energy.
David, i want you to meet somebody.
( Snapping fingers )
He's somebody you might recognize.
Tom kenny !
Y-You're from mr. Show !
No, david. Terra-Da-Loo, tom !
No. I used to be on mr. Show.
David, the bob has no answers.
David,
When we die,
There's no heaven's chimney,
And there's no rassleberry waterfall,
But there are
Giant golden gates on top of the clouds.
And a wise man with a beard will have your name
Written into a fancy book.
Really ?
( Tom ) also, babies with wings will fly around,
And some of them will blow trumpets !
And all your dead pets are there waiting for you.
And jesus is there.
Chim-Chim-Charee !
And those 2 kooks, cain and abel.
And buddha...
And mohammed...
And vishnu, and...
Who knows ? Maybe even...
Shaquille o' neal.
( Audience laughing )
( Announcer ) who knows who's going to show up on this edition of
Crazy religious beliefs !
And now, here are your hosts,
Clark richardson and manny edwards !
( Audience applauding )
Hey, welcome to crazy religious beliefs.
We've got some real beauts this week, manny.
You said it, clark.
Hey, let's start off with a crazy
Jewish belief.
( Pig oinking )
Many jews keep kosher, and this practice, amongst other things,
Uh, forbids the eating of pork or shellfish.
And this law dates back thousands of years,
When--When people were dying of trichinosis in the desert heat.
You see--
( Both laughing )
Somebody tell these people about refrigeration.
Speaking of cold,
Islamic women don't often live in cold climates,
But you'd never know that
From the way they're dressed !
That's because it's forbidden
For women to expose any skin.
Watch this !
( Whistle blows )
( Arabic chanting )
( Whistling )
( Boinging )
( Both laughing )
What a getup !
Trick or treat, clark.
Well, we'll have more crazy religious beliefs in a moment.
But right now, let's put our hands together
For some loonies who put their hands together.
It's time for another visit
To loony prayer corner.
Ah-So-So-- Oh-Salaam-Ola !
( Manny with nasal voice ) hey, i ain't no necktie !
( Clark with nasal voice ) oh, no. Never should've used all this crazy glue !
Dear god,
Please don't let my guests suspect that i'm gonna
Serve them a coffee substitute tonight. Thanks.
Honey ?
Hi. Ok.
Ok. All right.
Hope you guys have room for pie !
It's cooling.
That was a great dinner, pam !
Oh, thank you.
* the incredible edible *
* rump roast *
( All laughing )
What was that ?
Just a little song i do.
Oh, well...
Well, that incredible edible rump roast should tell you
That we have an ulterior motive for having you guys over tonight.
Yeah, so before we have some pie,
We have something we wanna tell you.
Um, ok,
You guys are our best friends.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know, uh, pam and i have been
Trying to have a baby now for a while, and, uh...
Well, i've got this problem-- No, no, no.
We've got this problem.
( Audience laughing )
Wow, this is hard. Yeah.
What ?
Well, it's just that you're the only ones we know we can turn to
For help, and...
What is it ?
Y-You know what ? I think i know, mary, and, uh...
I'd be honored. Of course you can have some of my sperm.
Oh, yeah, yeah. No question, you guys, it's fine.
Oh, no, no. I've got plenty of sperm.
You know, too much.
Gets all over the place.
Yeah, it's...
And, i mean, we really wouldn't have any problem asking you for sperm.
I mean, that's no big deal.
So, what is it ?
Ok, we should just say this.
Um...
We want you to watch us have sex.
Please.
Oh, yeah, right !
( Both laughing )
Larry, come on, you're not serious !
Look, look, look, we'll do all the work !
All you have to do is stand here,
And...
Look through this hole, and, and...
You know, watch us have sex.
Yeah, i mean, it's only gonna take a minute,
And--And then, we'll have some pie.
Can't i just get you some of my sperm ?
It's really good.
Yeah, yeah. Take some of his sperm.
Ok, look, the only way that
We can have sex is if people watch us.
Oh, my god !
I can't believe how selfish you guys are.
Don't you want us to have a baby ?
I mean, do you want to be the only people with babies ?
I want a baby !
Ok, look,
Don't cry, all right ?
I'm gonna go make you some sperm.
Oh, damn it ! You're sperm isn't the answer to everything !
Guys...
Ok.
I'll do it.
Chuck, you don't have to do it.
I'll stand here naked and i'll watch you do whatever it is you do...
No, mar, mar, mary... no, no, you don't have to be naked.
No, it's all right. I'll stand here naked. I wanna help you.
Yeah, mar, but you don't have to be naked.
Look, i wanna be naked, ok ?
So just lay off !
Mary !
Look, i...
Like to watch people have sex,
But i have to be naked.
Well, great, this works out perfect !
We don't care.
This is unfair !
What about me ?
What about you ?
I wanna go make some sperm !
Chuck, we don't need any !
It's not for you !
Look...
I like to masturbate in a closed room
While people are waiting for pie to cool.
( Audience laughing )
So that explains all those missing cups...
And us moving next door to a bakery.
Yeah, it does, naked sex watcher.
Oh, honey... naked sex watcher ?
Guys, hey, hey ! Guys !
This isn't about your sick, weird thing, ok ?
This is about the two of us
Trying to start a family.
Yeah, it is about your weird thing, too !
No, that's it !
Mary, get over there and start taking off those clothes.
Chuck, you get into that closet and you start whacking it,
Because i want a baby !
Yeah, well that pie better be done when i am.
You guys better have good sex !
Oh, we're gonna !
Yeah, you just watch !
Yeah. Oh...
Oh. Did you say...
You said "watch" !
( All laughing )
I didn't even...
( All laughing )
Oh, we're terrific !
( Audience laughing )
Well, let's get to it.
Ok.
( Synthesizer music playing )
( Announcer ) ride the world's most terrifying roller coaster !
( Echoing ) the devastator !
A heart-Stopping, 200 mile-Per-Hour,
15 story drops, spine-Cracking
90 degree turn-- And the final plunge,
2 whole minutes underwater !
( Echoing ) the devastator !
It's soul shattering !
Devastator !
Only at thrill world.
And now here's trey brackish
With a special news update.
I'm standing here at thrill world,
Where this roller coaster continues taking the lives
Of innocent people.
Earlier today, we spoke with john oakfellow
Of the red cross.
Uh, we're doing what we can,
But the casualties continue to mount.
We're losing people to heart failure,
Uh, spinal injuries,
Even drowning.
It's been a real soul-Shattering experience.
Indeed. The question on everyone's lips is:
Why ? How could this be happening ?
Recent victims include local favorites,
The hutchinson brothers.
My brother is dead.
He broke his neck and then he drowned.
W-Why ? I mean,
One minute we're laughing and the next minute, he's dead.
Why would god let this happen ?
As the body count grows,
Locals took extreme measures.
I don't get it. I mean, how are you supposed to protect yourself
From this kind of thing ?
Listen, we're getting out of here, first thing in the morning.
I'm afraid for my wife,
I'm afraid for my kids,
And, for god's sake, i'm afraid for me.
I ain't leavin' !
Some people think i'm crazy,
But i lived here all my life, and i ain't afraid of no roll-Y coaster !
Troubled times.
It's been hard for some people to maintain their spirits.
We'll be back after this word from our sponsor.
( T.V. Announcer ) quite possibly the worst hurricane to strike the area--
Oh, the humanity !
Why would god let this happen ?
( Announcer ) have you had enough of bad news ?
Well, keep your spirits up with a visit to thrill world,
And feel the rush of the devastator !
I ain't afraid of no roll-Y coaster !
Thrill world. Open everyday from 9:00 a.M. To midnight.
( Audience laughing )
Trey brackish, again.
I'm with dr. Peter langer,
Of the army corps of engineers.
Peter, what can the public do to avoid the devastation ?
Well, there's really nothing you can do.
We're handling it.
Uh, we just hope that it will let up soon after midnight,
As it has done for the past 96 days.
And i'm asking the community
To pray with me that it doesn't start up again tomorrow,
Shortly after 9:00 a.M.
Words to live by.
We leave you now with a look back at today's tragic events,
Accompanied by livingston brewster's song for the victims,
Thanks for the ride.
* said goodbye to a friend today *
* he was off to find some fun *
* and when he came back
* he never came back because his life was done *
* oh, i don't know why
* so many people die
* but i'd bet if they talked to god they'd say *
* thank you for the ride
* god, thank you for the ride *
* thank you for the ride
* god, thank you for the ever-Lovin' ride *
* got a ride from god, did you hear ? *
* i got a ride from the g-Man today *
* he picked me up and i-- All i could say *
* was thank you, man, you're a big-- *
( Clicking )
Thank you for the ride, man.
No problem.
I appreciate it.
So, a lot of heavy stuff's been happening.
Uh-Huh.
I mean to me. A lot of heavy stuff's been happening to me.
Uh-Huh.
Yeah, i, uh, went to the doctor's...
Um...
Got my tests back.
Got my results. Yeah ?
Yeah, they think, um...
They think i have some pretty serious, um...
Health problems-- Oh, you gotta take this right, up here, buddy.
By the rose bush ?
Yeah, just up there. Yeah.
Ok.
So, uh, so what are you ?
Are you sick or somethin' ? Hard right, buddy. C'mon.
I'm sorry.
Oh, they think i have fucking cancer !
Oh, fuck ! God damn it, i can't believe it !
Well, you know, hopefully it can be treated.
No, no. It's just my turn signal's broken again.
Damn it, i just had that damn thing fixed.
Oh.
But, uh, no,
Fuck, god damn it, i can't believe it about your cancer, too.
( Audience laughing )
It just sucks, you know ?
Makes you wonder what life's all about, you know ?
I know.
I mean, where're we headed ?
I know.
Well, where are we headed ? C'mon, i'm lost here, man !
All right.
Sorry i jumped on you.
I'm just-- I'm under a lot of pressure right now.
My wife is all over my ass to bring home
This magazine i keep leaving at work.
( Audience laughing )
Now this turn signal thing.
That's going to be a whole electrical problem, and, uh,
Just found out my best friend has cancer.
Aw, hey, man, you know hopefully we'll get through this thing together.
It just sucks for the poor guy.
Now you've got it, too...
So, uh, how long they give you ?
They said it could be as soon as a couple of months.
Hey, all right ! What ?
We're here !
Hey, all right !
( Both cheering )
Oh, my god ! ( Truck horn honking )
( Both screaming )
( Tires screeching )
( Both continue screaming )
( Announcer ) what did we learn from our friends,
Barton and berton, here ?
One: never share sad information with the driver.
2: when having an accident, try to avoid comical business.
Rather, press on the brake to stop the automobile.
And 3: remember...
Driving is serious business.
That was driven to distraction,
A classic drivers' ed. Film.
And now, the moment we've all been waiting for,
Uh, this is very exciting, this next film
Was discovered on an archaeological dig, near stonehenge,
It is the world's oldest educational film,
And it is called the limits of science.
Enjoy it.
( Projector whirring )
Year ago, life was hard,
But in today's fast-Paced world,
We sometimes have to stop and think.
How did we get all the things that we have
That make life so easy ?
The wheelbarrow...
The donkey...
The food we eat.
It's all thanks to science.
Questions, questions, questions.
Modern minds can come up with 3 questions.
Peasant pete is full up,
And he heads down to the kingdom's modern science lab,
And asks a real scientist.
Pete wants to know,
What's up in the sky at night that makes it so dark ?
The scientist gets help from the wizard.
Some think that the earth is surrounded by dark cloth
With pinholes in it, through which the light of heaven shines.
Others argue that nighttime is when the sun
Sleeps behind the earth's back,
And that the stars are the sun's children.
Science will never know the truth,
But what about the arena of medicine ?
"Do i really need these leeches ?", asks pete.
"Of course you do," the scientist says.
"Leeches suck out the sick inside of you that witches put there."
"So rubbing a hunchback's hunch won't do the trick ?"
"Ha, ha ! No,
But it might make the hunchback feel better."
( Audience laughing )
Science marches on.
Pete has one more question.
"How does a scientist know what's true ?"
"Well, all facts begin as dreams
"Dreamt by a wizard.
"If the wizard crosses the path of a scorned widow,
"Then he shares it at the town council.
"Now it is a hypothesis,
"And it's time to drown the wizard.
"If he floats, he is an evil wizard
"And must be burned alive.
"If he drowns, then the hypothesis is true !
"The king is told and he consults with his menagerie of birds.
"If the king is satisfied,
"Then it becomes an old wives' tale,
"And science is once more advanced.
"Life is improved again, and mothers, like this one,
"Will lose only half their children, instead of most."
"Hurrah for science !" Says peasant pete.
And hurrah for the king,
Who removes pete's right foot
As tax to pay the wizard
For the science he has given us all.
And hurrah for the wheelbarrow,
The ultimate and final greatest achievement of mankind
That all people love, from children of 3,
To old men of 35.
( Audience laughing )
( Announcer ) another in the series
Of wonderful modern science films,
Brought to you by smithy's barrows,
Maker of barrows for over 200 harvests.
Now with wheels.
( Kimberly ) mmm-Mmm-Mmm.
They are showing this movie to children.
They're calling it an educational film.
What are they teaching, here ?
About wizards, and about witches...
Where are the films that teach about our lord ?
Kimberly ?
* he watches over us
* from down below
* his power and his glory
( Both ) * darken every door
* oh, satan, prince of darkness *
* you're my lord
* hail, satan, you're my lord *
* hail, satan is the one
* hail, satan, prince of darkness, you're my lord *
( Both laughing )
( Both ) hail, satan !
Kimberly, what a show we've got today. Are you excited ?
I am. I feel him.
I got the devil in my feet-- Oh !
Get me an exorcist ! Look at 'em !
Send that exorcist away, because i got 'em, too,
And it feels too good to cut it out !
( Both laughing )
( Both ) hail, satan.
Our first guest
Is part of the h.S.N. Family.
Right, let's get him out here...
( Both ) moncrieff lanier !
( Audience applauding )
Oh !
Hello, kimberly !
You look beautiful !
To hell with both of you.
To hell with you.
Oh, and kimberly,
Don't you look beautiful tonight.
You are just the mother of all whores.
Oh.
She is. She is a real daughter of mammon, isn't she ?
Well, flattery will get you everywhere.
( All laughing )
Oh.
We have good times.
We do. The 3 of us.
Now, moncrieff,
You brought a special friend with you today, didn't you ?
Well, now, kimberly, i surely did.
He's a young fellow, he's a real trooper, this one.
His name is kevin,
And i'd surely like to bring him out here.
Kevin, if you would come out here now, i'd love it.
Give him a round, folks.
It's hard for him to come out.
Here he comes. Oh, the wait was worth it.
And there he is.
Hello there, kevin.
Now, kevin, will you tell these people
Why are you in that wheelchair ? What put you there ?
Um...
'Cause i don't
Want to stand up.
Don't want to stand--
You don't want to do anything, do you ?
No, sir.
Now, kevin, you went and saw a doctor, didn't you ?
Yes, sir.
And what did the doctor say ?
He said...
I was...
Lazy.
( Audience laughing )
Kevin is lazy, folks.
He doesn't want to do anything.
Now, we all know that idle hands are the devil's playground.
And kevin is a shining example
Of the beautiful sin of sloth.
That's right ! And a slothful child
Shall lead them !
There's bobby c. With the scripture.
Now, kevin, you manage to...
( Groaning )
You manage to do some things, don't you ?
( Snoring )
Kevin, we're having a t.V. Show.
Now, kevin, you manage to do some things, don't you ?
Yes, i sleep,
I eat,
I take a bath,
I watch pornographies.
He loves his porno.
Oh, sure.
Kevin...
Kevin, you sweet boy, can you hear me ?
He can hear fine.
Oh, he can ? I'm sorry.
Kevin...
I'm gonna make your dream
Of slothfulness and greed
Come alive !
Kevin, i'm gonna build you a house !
I'm gonna call it the devil's house !
It's gonna be filled with the softest pillows !
It's gonna have elevators,
Escalators, 1,000 t.V.S !
Kevin, there's gonna be a bathroom right in your bed,
So you don't have to get up and go to the bathroom at all !
Hail, satan !
Hail satan ! Hail satan !
Bobby c. !
Uh, kevin wants to say something.
Kevin wants to say...
I also want people
To perform
Beastialities for me.
( All ) oh !
Oh, and so it shall be, sweet kevin.
Oh, and so it shall be.
And if bobby says it shall be so,
So it shall be.
This is a song now,
For kevin, bobby c.,
Kimberly, and the whole
H.S.N. Family.
* hai
* ai
* ail
* his darkness
* the hoary ho
* oooh
* ost
* the cloven one
* oh, satan, everyone
( All ) * my soul
( All ) * burns for you
* hail, satan !
( All ) * hail, satan ! *
Hey, little girl,
Beware of satanists.
They'll try to kidnap you,
And maybe even kill you.
You're obviously misinformed.
Why teach the child slanderous myths ?
( Whispering ) satanists perform rituals with lots of blood,
And animal sacrifices, too !
That's simply not true.
We don't perform any rituals involving animals,
Unless you count fishing,
Which we don't.
Back to the water for you, mr. Gills !
Satanists will ask you for all your money.
And you won't ?
They want to enslave decent people.
We must destroy them and their kind !
Now, that's religious persecution,
And that's against the law !
So long, hatemonger !
Remember, little girl,
Everyone's entitled to their beliefs.
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